November 20th, 2009

The Ramblings in My Mind

So, therapy is kicking my butt right now. I can’t say I’m extremely happy to be going. On the contrary, I often wonder what it would be like to look my therapist in the eye and tell her I don’t want recovery anymore, that it’s no longer worth it.

Of course what I want to do and what I will do are two different things. Why must my mind and heart always be at complete polar opposites? Currently the ED is winning, but I’m not upset about it. I’m so stressed about Thanksgiving and being home for a week, that purging seems to be my only comfort.

By the way, can I say that I hate that my sis lives in a tiny apartment where everyone knows exactly what you are doing? Yep, this week’s gonna be difficult. I’m so sick of the questions anyway. What does it matter what I do with my body? For once, can’t I decide what I want for myself? Conformity is a bitch and I don’t want to fight anymore. Ugh!

I’m sorry for complaining and rambling, but I have so much on my mind right now. I need someone to talk to, but currently the only person I have is my therapist. Ironic huh? I’m curious if any of you are ever able to just turn off part of your brain so that you feel numb? I’ve been doing this lately and I don’t remember a lot of what has been going on in my life this last week. Hmm…Okay, I’m officially done now with my ranting and stream of consciousness.

  • Current Mood
    exhausted exhausted