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Sunday, June 5th, 2005

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A newbie cometh this way
Salutations. I've never joined an 'ED Community' before, but lately 'mia' has been hitting me full force, and I just... need people who understand. Y'know? When you're a secretive bulemic, the world is a lonely lonely place. I'm not here to preach against EDs, so I hope the ensuing words don't get me banned or taken in a bad context. I am here because I've tried multifarious times--with and without meds, with and without therapists, ect, to get better. I actually don't like 'mia', but I understand now that struggling at this point is futile, I can't shake myself of my ED at this point in my life, and I have to deal with that. I was hoping this community could be part of that. I mostly just like to talk, so please forgive me.

Here's a quick summation of my 'history':
I dabbled in bulemia when I was 15. I didn't like the bulk (read--muscle) I'd put on as an athletic swimmer. I wanted to be one of those sinewy, swan-like swimmers, but food was too enticing to avoid. So I put my fingers in my throat. I was a lonely, shy girl and during one particularly emotional and revelational swim team meeting (the swimmers were fighting with each other, and coach made everyone sit down and work their shit out) I garnered attention by admitting that I was bulemic, though at the time it was laughable. I got a talking to from my parents and the school nurse, and that was it. Fast forward six months. I tried again. This time I lost weight. 15lbs in about a week or so. I was throwing up everything. I'd turn up the music really loud in my room, purge in a trashcan, tie up the bag, and hide it till I could sneak out to the dumster without being seen. I was discovered and shipped off to a long term 'mental health care' facility 200 miles away. Let me tell ya, that was a great way to spend my 'sweet 16'.

I packed on the pounds with time. I've always been something of a compulsive eater. I hit 175 in college. I was around a lot of thin, pretty people and my mother has always been viciously rabid about me and my younger sister's weight. She'd stand over us like a harpy and tell us we were eating too much, getting too fat, killing ourselves with obesity, ect. In hindsight, 175 isn't so bad, ecspecially if you're active and happy, but anywhoo... I started dating someone I'll call Rugnir. All of his exes were waifs. I suddenly had to compare. I became bulemic again, this time using a toothbrush instead of fingers, which worked wonderfully. It started in December of '02 and there's been maybe a week's worth of days that I haven't purged. Sometimes it was four times a day, every day. I had a heart attack in October of last year, but still managed to hide the ED. I blamed it on some pills I'd overdosed on as a teen, which is partially true. I'd taken an allergy medicine that can seriously fuck up the heart if taken in large quantities; combined with my ED I'm walking a dangerous tightrope.

I stagnated around 145lbs, and got very frustrated. I developed touches of anorexia. But the 'safe foods' I kept down weren't safe anymore. I started chewing and spitting. That leaves me here today, a 5'8", 135lb 20 year old who has to take two multivitamins a day to keep blood circulating in her legs, in the full grip of bulimia, but unable to shake it. I don't mind so much anymore. I mostly have given in, though I've managed to limit myself to one b/p a day. I just want to be around other people who know what it's like.

I also thought I'd fill out the questionnare thingie from a while back. :D

Do you have a GENETIC PREDISPOSITION? Do ED's run in your family? I'm not sure if it's truly genetic, but my grandmother on my mother's side was bulemic, and an alcoholic. I seem to be following in her footsteps. :/
Did you have a stereotypical 'anorexic family' growing up? That is negative, where parents were interfering and overprotective and where expectations were unusually high to achieve and succeed? Most definitely. My father has a lot of body image issues (he's currently on the FATKINS diet, hawhaw!), and my mother has never known what it's like to be overweight or fight food cravings. She's very vicious about weight, verbally.
Did you avoid conflict with your family? One parent overbearing while the other was quite passive? I didn't avoid conflict as much as my other siblings. For my early childhood, both were overbearing, but in teenagehood my father became somewhat passive.
Family rules so strong it was difficult to express your individuality? Most definitely. My father laid out certain plans and expected me to follow them to a 'T'. I had to do this, this, and this. He isn't happy with me now, though I am, ED aside. Not everyone has to be the 'stronge-college educated-empowered-modern' woman. My own mother was a housewife, and so am I (aside from doing freelance art). My husband and I don't mind, but my parents are very angry about me deviating from their plans.
Were you subjected to abuse - whether of a sexual, physical or emotional nature? Not really. I endured a bad sexual situation with some boys in a forest when I was 10, but that was one incident and I don't feel as scarred by it as I think most people would. Mostly I endured emotional neglect more than anything. My parents just weren't 'there', so to speak.
Did your ED start due to adolescent crisis? It began out of morbid curiousity, so no. It later became full blown out of a need to compete with my husband's ex-girlfriends.
Were you stopped from taking risks at this age and was your homelife unstable at this time? Stopped from risks, yes. Unstable homelife, no.
Did it start out as a desire to conform to the social desire to be slim? Indeedyums.
Was it a part of searching for autonomy? Not really. I did wish to be conformist in that I was lithe and beautiful, but that was about it. I never felt compelled to dress/act like those around me.
Did you inherit low self esteem from parents who feel that way about themselves? Most likely from my father. He bemoans the days when he was skinnier/younger all the time. My mother's just arrogant.
Did it start around the time of a period of separation or loss? No.

Ummm, the end for now? I apologize for being so long winded!

Current Mood: shoulderachey

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