The Ramblings in My Mind

So, therapy is kicking my butt right now. I can’t say I’m extremely happy to be going. On the contrary, I often wonder what it would be like to look my therapist in the eye and tell her I don’t want recovery anymore, that it’s no longer worth it.

Of course what I want to do and what I will do are two different things. Why must my mind and heart always be at complete polar opposites? Currently the ED is winning, but I’m not upset about it. I’m so stressed about Thanksgiving and being home for a week, that purging seems to be my only comfort.

By the way, can I say that I hate that my sis lives in a tiny apartment where everyone knows exactly what you are doing? Yep, this week’s gonna be difficult. I’m so sick of the questions anyway. What does it matter what I do with my body? For once, can’t I decide what I want for myself? Conformity is a bitch and I don’t want to fight anymore. Ugh!

I’m sorry for complaining and rambling, but I have so much on my mind right now. I need someone to talk to, but currently the only person I have is my therapist. Ironic huh? I’m curious if any of you are ever able to just turn off part of your brain so that you feel numb? I’ve been doing this lately and I don’t remember a lot of what has been going on in my life this last week. Hmm…Okay, I’m officially done now with my ranting and stream of consciousness.

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    exhausted exhausted

Yep, I'm New Here

Hey All!

So I've been going crazy lately with my purging and have no one to talk to. I stumbled upon this group and I thought I'd give it a shot. I started purging my food about a year ago, and then stopped six months into it. I've been in counseling the past couple of months and then these last three weeks I've begun purging again. I'm not sure what to do and I figured I'd get support from you guys. I'm thinking about going to my counselor and telling her I don't want to come anymore, that it's a waste of her time because I'm not sure if I'm ready to give this up. Hmm...I don't know. I guess those are my current thoughts right now--thanks for letting me blab...

-Ash
 

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    apathetic apathetic

(no subject)

Hey

Just joined this

Looks really good (:

Just wanted to ask if anyone has any tips for hiding up the sound of purging

I normally just eat dinner and snack at lunch, I'm trying up just have liquids at lunch now instead of snacking

As I was saying when I have dinner my parents are in and my toilet is in a room off it's own so I can't run the tap to cover up the sound :\

Help please!

x

(no subject)

Hey does anyone know which helps u lose weight faster... eating 3 meals a day, and purging most of it after every meal or just eating one meal and purging most of it? or does it depend on each individual person?
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    tired tired

A newbie cometh this way

Salutations. I've never joined an 'ED Community' before, but lately 'mia' has been hitting me full force, and I just... need people who understand. Y'know? When you're a secretive bulemic, the world is a lonely lonely place. I'm not here to preach against EDs, so I hope the ensuing words don't get me banned or taken in a bad context. I am here because I've tried multifarious times--with and without meds, with and without therapists, ect, to get better. I actually don't like 'mia', but I understand now that struggling at this point is futile, I can't shake myself of my ED at this point in my life, and I have to deal with that. I was hoping this community could be part of that. I mostly just like to talk, so please forgive me.

Here's a quick summation of my 'history':
I dabbled in bulemia when I was 15. I didn't like the bulk (read--muscle) I'd put on as an athletic swimmer. I wanted to be one of those sinewy, swan-like swimmers, but food was too enticing to avoid. So I put my fingers in my throat. I was a lonely, shy girl and during one particularly emotional and revelational swim team meeting (the swimmers were fighting with each other, and coach made everyone sit down and work their shit out) I garnered attention by admitting that I was bulemic, though at the time it was laughable. I got a talking to from my parents and the school nurse, and that was it. Fast forward six months. I tried again. This time I lost weight. 15lbs in about a week or so. I was throwing up everything. I'd turn up the music really loud in my room, purge in a trashcan, tie up the bag, and hide it till I could sneak out to the dumster without being seen. I was discovered and shipped off to a long term 'mental health care' facility 200 miles away. Let me tell ya, that was a great way to spend my 'sweet 16'.

I packed on the pounds with time. I've always been something of a compulsive eater. I hit 175 in college. I was around a lot of thin, pretty people and my mother has always been viciously rabid about me and my younger sister's weight. She'd stand over us like a harpy and tell us we were eating too much, getting too fat, killing ourselves with obesity, ect. In hindsight, 175 isn't so bad, ecspecially if you're active and happy, but anywhoo... I started dating someone I'll call Rugnir. All of his exes were waifs. I suddenly had to compare. I became bulemic again, this time using a toothbrush instead of fingers, which worked wonderfully. It started in December of '02 and there's been maybe a week's worth of days that I haven't purged. Sometimes it was four times a day, every day. I had a heart attack in October of last year, but still managed to hide the ED. I blamed it on some pills I'd overdosed on as a teen, which is partially true. I'd taken an allergy medicine that can seriously fuck up the heart if taken in large quantities; combined with my ED I'm walking a dangerous tightrope.

I stagnated around 145lbs, and got very frustrated. I developed touches of anorexia. But the 'safe foods' I kept down weren't safe anymore. I started chewing and spitting. That leaves me here today, a 5'8", 135lb 20 year old who has to take two multivitamins a day to keep blood circulating in her legs, in the full grip of bulimia, but unable to shake it. I don't mind so much anymore. I mostly have given in, though I've managed to limit myself to one b/p a day. I just want to be around other people who know what it's like.

I also thought I'd fill out the questionnare thingie from a while back. :D

Do you have a GENETIC PREDISPOSITION? Do ED's run in your family? I'm not sure if it's truly genetic, but my grandmother on my mother's side was bulemic, and an alcoholic. I seem to be following in her footsteps. :/
Did you have a stereotypical 'anorexic family' growing up? That is negative, where parents were interfering and overprotective and where expectations were unusually high to achieve and succeed? Most definitely. My father has a lot of body image issues (he's currently on the FATKINS diet, hawhaw!), and my mother has never known what it's like to be overweight or fight food cravings. She's very vicious about weight, verbally.
Did you avoid conflict with your family? One parent overbearing while the other was quite passive? I didn't avoid conflict as much as my other siblings. For my early childhood, both were overbearing, but in teenagehood my father became somewhat passive.
Family rules so strong it was difficult to express your individuality? Most definitely. My father laid out certain plans and expected me to follow them to a 'T'. I had to do this, this, and this. He isn't happy with me now, though I am, ED aside. Not everyone has to be the 'stronge-college educated-empowered-modern' woman. My own mother was a housewife, and so am I (aside from doing freelance art). My husband and I don't mind, but my parents are very angry about me deviating from their plans.
Were you subjected to abuse - whether of a sexual, physical or emotional nature? Not really. I endured a bad sexual situation with some boys in a forest when I was 10, but that was one incident and I don't feel as scarred by it as I think most people would. Mostly I endured emotional neglect more than anything. My parents just weren't 'there', so to speak.
Did your ED start due to adolescent crisis? It began out of morbid curiousity, so no. It later became full blown out of a need to compete with my husband's ex-girlfriends.
Were you stopped from taking risks at this age and was your homelife unstable at this time? Stopped from risks, yes. Unstable homelife, no.
Did it start out as a desire to conform to the social desire to be slim? Indeedyums.
Was it a part of searching for autonomy? Not really. I did wish to be conformist in that I was lithe and beautiful, but that was about it. I never felt compelled to dress/act like those around me.
Did you inherit low self esteem from parents who feel that way about themselves? Most likely from my father. He bemoans the days when he was skinnier/younger all the time. My mother's just arrogant.
Did it start around the time of a period of separation or loss? No.

Ummm, the end for now? I apologize for being so long winded!
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    shoulderachey

i need some help asap

so i am supposed to be a member of a nude show in about a week and i need to lose as much weight as possible before then. i realize i'm not going to look like a completely different person within a week's time but i need some improvement if you know what i mean.

also what kinds of exercises work well for inner thighs?

(no subject)

im 13. i just joined this today.

5'3 112. ew.

i actully jsut had a pb&j because my mom was bitching. got ride of it.

green tea pills...do they work? let me know please.

<3
Ville1

first post

i'm not sure what to write here. i just joined this community a couple of days ago. i guess that i can say that i'm very disappointed in myself right now. i wanted to do a fast to take a break from my b/p cycle (i have a cold and my throat is killing me even more than usual) , but it only lasted 2 days. i have no willpower whatso ever. i feel awful. hope everyone had a better day than mine.