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|Friday, November 20th, 2009|
The Ramblings in My Mind
So, therapy is kicking my butt right now. I can’t say I’m extremely happy to be going. On the contrary, I often wonder what it would be like to look my therapist in the eye and tell her I don’t want recovery anymore, that it’s no longer worth it.
Of course what I want to do and what I will do are two different things. Why must my mind and heart always be at complete polar opposites? Currently the ED is winning, but I’m not upset about it. I’m so stressed about Thanksgiving and being home for a week, that purging seems to be my only comfort.
By the way, can I say that I hate that my sis lives in a tiny apartment where everyone knows exactly what you are doing? Yep, this week’s gonna be difficult. I’m so sick of the questions anyway. What does it matter what I do with my body? For once, can’t I decide what I want for myself? Conformity is a bitch and I don’t want to fight anymore. Ugh!
I’m sorry for complaining and rambling, but I have so much on my mind right now. I need someone to talk to, but currently the only person I have is my therapist. Ironic huh? I’m curious if any of you are ever able to just turn off part of your brain so that you feel numb? I’ve been doing this lately and I don’t remember a lot of what has been going on in my life this last week. Hmm…Okay, I’m officially done now with my ranting and stream of consciousness. Current Mood: exhausted
|Sunday, November 8th, 2009|
Yep, I'm New Here
So I've been going crazy lately with my purging and have no one to talk to. I stumbled upon this group and I thought I'd give it a shot. I started purging my food about a year ago, and then stopped six months into it. I've been in counseling the past couple of months and then these last three weeks I've begun purging again. I'm not sure what to do and I figured I'd get support from you guys. I'm thinking about going to my counselor and telling her I don't want to come anymore, that it's a waste of her time because I'm not sure if I'm ready to give this up. Hmm...I don't know. I guess those are my current thoughts right now--thanks for letting me blab...
-Ash Current Mood: apathetic
|Monday, May 25th, 2009|
Just joined this
Looks really good (:
Just wanted to ask if anyone has any tips for hiding up the sound of purging
I normally just eat dinner and snack at lunch, I'm trying up just have liquids at lunch now instead of snacking
As I was saying when I have dinner my parents are in and my toilet is in a room off it's own so I can't run the tap to cover up the sound :\
|Monday, October 16th, 2006|
|Wednesday, March 29th, 2006|
Hey does anyone know which helps u lose weight faster... eating 3 meals a day, and purging most of it after every meal or just eating one meal and purging most of it? or does it depend on each individual person? Current Mood: tired
|Sunday, June 5th, 2005|
A newbie cometh this way
Salutations. I've never joined an 'ED Community' before, but lately 'mia' has been hitting me full force, and I just... need people who understand
. Y'know? When you're a secretive bulemic, the world is a lonely lonely place. I'm not here to preach against EDs, so I hope the ensuing words don't get me banned or taken in a bad context. I am here because I've tried multifarious times--with and without meds, with and without therapists, ect, to get better
. I actually don't like 'mia', but I understand now that struggling at this point is futile, I can't shake myself of my ED at this point in my life, and I have to deal with that. I was hoping this community could be part of that. I mostly just like to talk, so please forgive me.
Here's a quick summation of my 'history':
I dabbled in bulemia when I was 15. I didn't like the bulk (read--muscle) I'd put on as an athletic swimmer. I wanted to be one of those sinewy, swan-like swimmers, but food was too enticing to avoid. So I put my fingers in my throat. I was a lonely, shy girl and during one particularly emotional and revelational swim team meeting (the swimmers were fighting with each other, and coach made everyone sit down and work their shit out) I garnered attention by admitting that I was bulemic, though at the time it was laughable. I got a talking to from my parents and the school nurse, and that was it. Fast forward six months. I tried again. This time I lost weight. 15lbs in about a week or so. I was throwing up everything. I'd turn up the music really loud in my room, purge in a trashcan, tie up the bag, and hide it till I could sneak out to the dumster without being seen. I was discovered and shipped off to a long term 'mental health care' facility 200 miles away. Let me tell ya, that was a great way to spend my 'sweet 16'.
I packed on the pounds with time. I've always been something of a compulsive eater. I hit 175 in college. I was around a lot of thin, pretty people and my mother has always been viciously rabid about me and my younger sister's weight. She'd stand over us like a harpy and tell us we were eating too much, getting too fat, killing ourselves with obesity, ect. In hindsight, 175 isn't so bad, ecspecially if you're active and happy, but anywhoo... I started dating someone I'll call Rugnir. All
of his exes were waifs. I suddenly had to compare. I became bulemic again, this time using a toothbrush instead of fingers, which worked wonderfully. It started in December of '02 and there's been maybe a week's worth of days that I haven't purged. Sometimes it was four times a day, every day. I had a heart attack in October of last year, but still managed to hide the ED. I blamed it on some pills I'd overdosed on as a teen, which is partially true. I'd taken an allergy medicine that can seriously fuck up the heart if taken in large quantities; combined with my ED I'm walking a dangerous tightrope.
I stagnated around 145lbs, and got very frustrated. I developed touches of anorexia. But the 'safe foods' I kept down weren't safe anymore. I started chewing and spitting. That leaves me here today, a 5'8", 135lb 20 year old who has to take two multivitamins a day to keep blood circulating in her legs, in the full grip of bulimia, but unable to shake it. I don't mind so much anymore. I mostly have given in, though I've managed to limit myself to one b/p a day. I just want to be around other people who know what it's like.
I also thought I'd fill out the questionnare thingie from a while back. :DDo you have a GENETIC PREDISPOSITION? Do ED's run in your family?
I'm not sure if it's truly genetic, but my grandmother on my mother's side was bulemic, and an alcoholic. I seem to be following in her footsteps. :/Did you have a stereotypical 'anorexic family' growing up? That is negative, where parents were interfering and overprotective and where expectations were unusually high to achieve and succeed?
Most definitely. My father has a lot of body image issues (he's currently on the FATKINS diet, hawhaw!), and my mother has never known what it's like to be overweight or fight food cravings. She's very vicious about weight, verbally.Did you avoid conflict with your family? One parent overbearing while the other was quite passive?
I didn't avoid conflict as much as my other siblings. For my early childhood, both were overbearing, but in teenagehood my father became somewhat passive. Family rules so strong it was difficult to express your individuality?
Most definitely. My father laid out certain plans and expected me to follow them to a 'T'. I had
to do this, this, and this. He isn't happy with me now, though I am, ED aside. Not everyone has to be the 'stronge-college educated-empowered-modern' woman. My own mother was a housewife, and so am I (aside from doing freelance art). My husband and I don't mind, but my parents are very angry about me deviating from their plans.Were you subjected to abuse - whether of a sexual, physical or emotional nature?
Not really. I endured a bad sexual situation with some boys in a forest when I was 10, but that was one incident and I don't feel as scarred by it as I think most people would. Mostly I endured emotional neglect
more than anything. My parents just weren't 'there', so to speak.Did your ED start due to adolescent crisis?
It began out of morbid curiousity, so no. It later became full blown out of a need to compete with my husband's ex-girlfriends.Were you stopped from taking risks at this age and was your homelife unstable at this time?
Stopped from risks, yes. Unstable homelife, no.Did it start out as a desire to conform to the social desire to be slim?
Indeedyums.Was it a part of searching for autonomy?
Not really. I did wish to be conformist in that I was lithe and beautiful, but that was about it. I never felt compelled to dress/act like those around me.Did you inherit low self esteem from parents who feel that way about themselves?
Most likely from my father. He bemoans the days when he was skinnier/younger all
the time. My mother's just arrogant.Did it start around the time of a period of separation or loss?
Ummm, the end for now? I apologize for being so long winded! Current Mood: shoulderachey
|Friday, June 3rd, 2005|
i need some help asap
so i am supposed to be a member of a nude show in about a week and i need to lose as much weight as possible before then. i realize i'm not going to look like a completely different person within a week's time but i need some improvement if you know what i mean.
also what kinds of exercises work well for inner thighs?
|Tuesday, May 17th, 2005|
im 13. i just joined this today.
5'3 112. ew.
i actully jsut had a pb&j because my mom was bitching. got ride of it.
green tea pills...do they work? let me know please.
|Sunday, February 6th, 2005|
i'm not sure what to write here. i just joined this community a couple of days ago. i guess that i can say that i'm very disappointed in myself right now. i wanted to do a fast to take a break from my b/p cycle (i have a cold and my throat is killing me even more than usual) , but it only lasted 2 days. i have no willpower whatso ever. i feel awful. hope everyone had a better day than mine.
|Wednesday, January 19th, 2005|
|Thursday, December 23rd, 2004|
Yeah. I don't know what to say really. About an hour ago I went to Huddle House and ate some cheese sticks. I came home and got rid of them. I've been doing that a lot lately. I'm 18. 5'9. 155. A year and a half ago I was 145 and completely happy with myself. But then things were better then I suppose. Ignorance really is bliss. I read these journals every now and then so I don't feel alone and I read about some people that have at least one friend who is with them. No one here does this. And if they do they don't talk about it. And if I did I would dissapoint so many people. I'm a perfectionist in a way you see. I just need to know that it's okay to feel fat. Even if you aren't really, you just kind of have fat. And that I'm not alone in my feelings. And sometimes you just need someone to talk to. Maybe this will help me.
|Wednesday, December 8th, 2004|
36 hour liquid fast. Can you make it??
Start: 10.30pm 12/8/04
Finish: 10.30am 12/10/04
Allowances on 12/9/04:
-water and lemon juice
-diet coke and lemon juice
-green tea with lemon juice
Allowances on 12/10/04:
-One cup multigrain Cheerios
-1 cup 1% milk
-3 Servings of Edamame
My parents both have to work tomorrow. I have the day off without any obligations. I intend on going to the gym and getting on the treadmill (30minsX2) and doing some weights. I also intend on doing a small amount of Xmas shopping with the small amount of money I have right now. Then, laundry, room organizing, and car cleaning. So, I know I can keep myself distracted.
|Saturday, September 25th, 2004|
newbie to this community.
So, I have a problem.
The other night, after binging on a ton of low carb spaghetti, I purged as much of it as I could. I didn't want to, but my body was telling me to.
From the moment I started throwing up, my face seems to have broken out in this ugly rash. My eyelids were severely swollen (and still are quite a bit). In fact, my eyelids even have this nasty looking rash type thing on them too.
This has never happened to me before. I'm a bit worried. Was this reaction a direct result of the purging? Or is it something else that just appeared as a result of the stress of the purging? Has this happened to anyone?
I look like a freakin' monster...
|Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004|
i feel like such a cow i only threw up 3 times today i just dont feel like im losing weight liek i was before probably bcuz i broke both of my arms and its been hard 2 get bak into cheer and exercise. i have lost three punds since like last week but its not enough. im gonna try exorciseng more and making sure i get every meal as much as i can. im starting 2 figure it out but how do u know if really got evryhting>? Current Mood: groggy
|Friday, September 17th, 2004|
ive been mia for about 4 1/2 months now and i need sum support cause from all but one of the ppl who have foudn out are syaing stop and i need sum support wiht this. history- ive been ana in the past for 7-8 months and also compulsive dieting alot on and off. ive been consistant though with mia though. i see myself as fat im told im not but im not a skinny as i want to be im unhappy with my body and mia seems to work.
ne1 have ne advice- i think i scratched the back of my thorat yesterday from throwing up how do help the situation i hurts to swallo and open my mouth and im a cheerleader and have a game tommrow my thorat is just reall sore in genral does ne1 know how to help that>? Current Mood: excited
|Monday, September 6th, 2004|
...let me just start off by saying, i have no idea what i'm doing.
My name is Elisabeth.
Im a sixteen year old girl, from Toronto Canada.
I was diagnosed with bulimia a month ago - yesterday.
I've secretly battled with it since I was twelve, but more than ever in the last 9 months.
My stats are 5'1 and I'm 120 pounds. A shame really. I had myself down to 109 3 weeks ago. But I went on a cruise and it's been all downhill from there.
Life has been really fucked up. I'm not a naive bulimic, nor do I consider myself like a lot of the girls who wind up here.
Tell me if you feel this way>>
I know what I'm doing to myself. But I like it.
I think more than anything I'm just looking for someone who can relate. This is the only place I seem to find comfort. In the people who understand it all best. I need to find someone. Especially now.
I hate being so f*cking fat.
I have so much more to say...but it's late. and the keys are waking people up. Feel free to check out my private journal..read from BEGINNING to END. it makes more sense that way.
|Thursday, August 19th, 2004|
I was searching around for an ed support community and found this one! I am happy this is specifically for bulimia because my god there are a million for the ana girls...poor mia. :(
BUT! let's get this community crackalackin! My name is Katie, I'm 16 and I've been bulimic for about 5 years on and off. I turn into a wimp sometimes but I just hate fat so I need to do it. It's a big control issue for me too. I joined because I need definite day to day support from my mia sisters because we all know how hard this is and how much we all strive to be incredibly beautiful girls, and why should we go through that alone?
Oh, and to the mod, sorry not to be a bitch or anything but on the info and interests you spelled bulimia wrong. :) heh.
Katie. Current Mood: hopeful
|Saturday, July 24th, 2004|
Blah. I'm new. 15 years, my weight has been a struggle my whole life. I've always been chunky, but in 8th grade I got totally sick of myself and started eating around 500 cal a day. Kept it up for an entire 6 months straight, not sure how, but lost 50 pounds. Then it was summer and I promptly gained 40 of it back. I've been fluctuating since then, I hate myself, I feel like a gigantic cow, I AM a gigantic cow. I'm 5'4 and 170, which is just disgusting. I hate myself. I'm fatter than ever right now and I'm just sick of it. I overeat way to much, I have no control and I hate it. I started purging recently, but it's difficult for me. i love how it feels, how it makes your eyes water and the way it forces the tears to stream down your cheeks, but I'm having problems getting much it. It takes me a long time, and for every like...3 times I gag, only a little bit comes up. I don't feel like I'm doing much. I've tried everything...different amounts of fingers, a toothbrush...I don't know. What I want to know is if anyone else has this problem, how long it usually takes for the purgers here to feel like they've got "everything" out, and if anyone has any tips for me...
(x-posted a few places) Current Mood: fat
|Thursday, June 10th, 2004|
Please post up your history.
I thought it might be nice if we posted up our histories of how we came to be where we are now. It might just be interesting to see how much common ground most of us have. Please post these details either in a new message if you are a member of ANA ANGELS
- or else pop it in the free-for-all BUDDY LIST
Do you have a GENETIC PREDISPOSITION? Do ED's run in your family?
Did you have a stereotypical 'anorexic family' growing up? That is negative, where parents were interfering and overprotective and where expectations were unusually high to achieve and succeed? Did you avoid conflict with your family? One parent overbearing while the other was quite passive? Family rules so strong it was difficult to express your individuality?
Were you subjected to abuse - whether of a sexual, physical or emotional nature?
Did your ED start due to adolescent crisis?Were you stopped from taking risks at this age and was your homelife unstable at this time?
Did it start out as a desire to conform to the social desire to be slim?
Was it a part of searching for autonomy?
Did you inherit low self esteem from parents who feel that way about themselves?
Did it start around the time of a period of separation or loss?
Just thought it would be nice to share. I fall into almost every category and it's actually of some kind of comfort to know I'm just a textbook anorexic as opposed to being the freak I always felt like growing up. The person is inside my head, that is me. But 'the body' I am trapped in just makes me sick.
|Sunday, May 30th, 2004|